Winter Wonderslam II- December 12th, 2015
Pre-show Announcements: What's cooler than being cool? ICE-COLD! The CRUELTIDE season is here. The wheat must be separated from the chaffe, the tinsel from the coal, and the POWERFUL from the COWERFUL! DO YOU HAVE?! - the guts to drink beers in a majestic, snowy ossuary? - the fortitude to witness devastating Party World Rasslin' SPECTACLE? - the STRENGTH to yell, hang-out, and BATTLERAGE IN THE WINTERVOID?! You do! You know you do! You must! If you're ready, we'll be ready! MORE beer stations, bathrooms, and outdoor CHILL ZONES © means less waiting and maximum partying! $1 HELLSPORT LIGHT while supplies last! Delicious craft beer all night! In addition to on-location-brewed beers, PWR's SEVENTH PARTY will feature fantastic holiday decor and human beings falling down over and over and over. Do you want huge wrestling belts? We got em'! PWR Master Smiths have returned to the FORGE OF SOULS to craft a new PARTYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP BELT. Who will wear wrestling's greatest honor? Think it's just a weight-lifting belt with aluminum cans taped to it? Think again! It's a source of XTREME PXWER, and only a true CHAMPEEN can wield it! PWR's greatest Party Athletes are set to square off. Who made it back from the time portal we opened at our last show? You'll see, you'll know. You'll RADIATE WITH THE POWER OF ETERNAL PARTY JUSTICE! BEER STATIONS Let's get those lines outta here--there will be more places to get delicious 4th Tap beer at WINTER WONDERSLAM. Including a new CASH-ONLY beer hole inside near the ring! RESTROOMS We're adding two portajohns to complement 4th Tap's regular bathroom capabilities! This is incredible news! $1 BEER Once again, HELLSPORT LIGHT, a delicious light blonde beer, will be available for $1, while supplies last. Weeeooo! After the HELLSPORT LIGHT is gone, you can enjoy the rest of 4th Tap's beers (including gluten-free SUNEATER, for those among the Multiverse who suffer the Wheat Pains) at Normal Beer Prices. ($1 HELLSPORT LIGHT will only be available at the CASH-ONLY bar station) RESPECT PWR is for everyone. People yelling racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic stuff won't be tolerated. Neither will unwanted physical contact with fellow audience members. Catcalling won't be tolerated. Those who break these rules will have to leave. Just as at DARKWAR, we will have a security phone number, displayed prominently, which you will be able to text if something happens that makes you feel threatened or uncomfortable. Ultimate Party Violence demands Ultimate Party Responsibility! COSTUMES Wrapped up in the spirit? WINTER WONDERSLAM II combines the holidays of WINTERSNIGHT and SLAMHAIN into one trans-spectacular superholiday: WINTERSHAIN! Feel free to don your finest skelegarb, Santacloth, or dreidelcubes and celebrate the reason for the season: party violence. FOOD Our friends at Wholly Kebab will set up shop outside the venue so you can eat food while our performers fall down over and over again for your pleasure. PARKING Want to park good at WINTER WONDERSLAM? Here is a good way to do that! https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/5039375/wws%20parking%20info.pdf DING! DING! DING! That's the sound the bell makes! DING! DING! DING! The world's final bell peels its death knell to announce a Furious Wrestling Card: ********** --Main Event-- The Foamster Memorial Foam Fumble --Main Event-- Most of our title contenders are either lost at sea, drunk or indifferent towards becoming PARTYWEIGHT CHAMPION. We have assembled our most AVAILABLE wrestlers to compete in this thrilling title bout! In our BIGGEST MATCH EVER, 6 mystery competitors will FUMBLE ABOUT until only one remains. That person will be the new PARTYWEIGHT CHAMPION! Can you believe it?! ********** Dazza Longbarrel vs. Dog X Dazza killed and skinned a live alligator at JUDGEMENT SLAM. We watched in disgust as hands became tied by a bizarre loophole in Texas's hunting laws. But Dog X follows only one law: DOGLAW! Will Dazza finally get what's coming to him, or has Dog X bit off more than she can chew? ********** The Dumpster Babes vs. The Intergalactic Express Tag-Team matchup! The Babes continue their filthy campaign against rules, decency, and cleanliness. We've matched them up against pair of tremendously powerful and agile wayward aliens. Space Justice vs. Trash Horror! ********** Chet Blitz vs. Dave Blaze in a CHARITY MATCH Chet Blitz is a reknowned wrestler and surfer who loves to drink HELLSPORT! He is totally alive and fine. He is so fine, in fact, that he - and not his lawyer manipulating a pen in the hand of his lifeless body - has signed a match against snowboarder DAVE BLAZE! BONUS NOTE! The two were once partners in the wildly successful tag team called the Handbirds. All the proceeds of this match will be given to a charity of the winner's choice! ********** Primo Family Returns More Tag-Team action! In their first present day battle, the combo of an Italian pizza chef and a spaghetti humunculous take on a surprise set of opponents. Now that's a spicy...WRESTLING MATCH! ********** Special Appearance by Chubby Uncle Juan and Puggin head The beloved kid's show host and puppeteer will be do some of his classic routines. His little pal, Puggin Head, will flamethrower your hearts with Pvre Kvlt Pvrty Nvstalgia! ********** Live Science Experiment with Dr. Dorkenheimer Dr. Julius Dorkenheimer nearly caused the extinction of humanity last time he invented something. He has apologized for creating an alternate timeline where machines constantly body-slam humans. This time, we've taken away most of his labspace and completely defunded him. All he has left is vinegar, baking soda, a vandegraff machine, and a couple cannisters of extremely potable HELLSPORT. Nothing can go wrong! ********** Hot Dog Announces his Next Challenger The GARBAGEWEIGHT TITLE HOLDER and DERELICT CRUST PUNK known as HOT DOG will choose his next opponent! He's hinted that it could be any of these: Ice Cold Stan Boston, Hundo Supreme, a bunch of rats that move as one, and Rancid's Tim Armstrong. ********** The Night Mayor Volleys Threats Formerly the defender of the Night, the ultimate POLITICIAN OF DARKNESS has threatened legal and spiritual action against us. He claims we are delinquent in filling out forms 420x, 696b, and 100c. We owe a fee of...our souls?! Who can stop his gerrymandering skeletal schemes? How many skeletons must die before this corrupt bureaucrat is stopped? ********** Dadbod Some guy named Dadbod will be there, I think! Because of him, we have heard more Bachman Turner Overdrive songs than we knew existed! ********** ...and more! Post: A HERO REMEMBERED, A LEGEND IMPRISONED, A SAVIOR REVEALED, A DASTARD CROWNED, A WRESTLESLAM ANNOUNCED: WINTER WONDERSLAM II: WOW!! WHAT A TREAT! The skies above Austin shook with rain and wind, but the only precipitation in the 4TH TAP SLAMMING PITS was the onslaught of empty beer cups and gourd-corpses thrown into the ring when the MULTIVERSE rose up in frothy rebellion as DAN “THE MAN” ZIGGLER won the six-man FOAMSTER MEMORIAL FOAM FUMBLE to take home the PARTYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP--a riot that soon turned to ceaseless enthusiasm as the aghast THEODOSIA challenged Ziggler to a championship match at WRESTLESLAM II! Ziggler outlasted five other competitors, including fan favorites RANDY “THE EAGLE” EAGLEMAN (who continues his slow descent into a literal transformation into a bird) and the prodigal SANDY SLAMSPARKLE, with the assistance of his VALETS--but in a no-disqualification match, referee DR. STEVEN ZUIGIRI was bound by the Wrestling Laws to announce the result and escort an incensed Eagleman from the ring. It’s fine! This is fine. The Foam Fumble was intended to commemorate the loss of FOAMSTER, who died when his heart was ripped from his body by a giant robot at JUDGMENT SLAM. The whole debacle was almost doomed from the outset, as COMMISSIONERS CHRIS A. MONICA and JARED BLONDEAU realized shortly before the show that our PARTYWEIGHT BELT had been lost in a weird void of space-time. Luckily, SLAMTA CLAUS answered their prayers and brought PWR a new Partyweight Championship Belt, frozen for the past two hundo years in a huge block of ice with its guardian, the enigmatic and endlessly powerful THEODOSIA. But this was not the only new belt in town!! The duly elected mayor of the night, the NIGHT MAYOR, and his cadre of skeletal city-councillors and ghoulish bureaucrats interrupted the party to reveal the new, fiendish NECROBELT. The Night Mayor and his civic cabal ensnared Slamta in a powerful BLOOD CRAB, reaping for the disgusting Necrobelt a bountiful harvest: the SOUL OF SLAMTA CLAUS--and with it, the Partyweight Championship Belt! But no matter how corrupt, no government--federal, regional, or municipal--can hold down a powerful woman. Theodosia made quick work of the fearsome Mayor and, in a last-minute secondary main event, won back the belt and Slamta’s soul. Whew! ~~~~ELSEWHERE AT WINTER WONDERSLAM II: ~ GARBAGEWEIGHT CHAMPION HOT DOG, fresh from saving the future (?) announced an open challenge for his belt--a challenge that was met by the long arm of the law when BULL DeGRAW, enforcer of the NORTH AMERICAN RAILROAD COMMISSION, appeared to give our train-jumping hero the beatdown of his life! Who invited him?! ~ DR. JULIUS DORKENHEIMER, seeking to unravel the mysteries of death itself!--partnered with NOISEBOT, a soprano-saxophone-loving robot from the year 2017, to create a FRANKENSTEIN. Noisebot brought a brain from the future, hoping to resuscitate a lost love in a horrible new body--imagine her surprise when TEEN DORKENHEIMER, the clone-son of the brilliant doctor, had used her brain to create his own TEEN FRANKENSTEIN! Noisebot managed to break the spell of TEXTING WHILE WRESTLING which distracted the teen Frankenstein and wrest a brutal pin from his destroyed windpipe--but is this the end of her QUEST FOR UNREQUITED LOVE? Probably not!!! ~ LUIGI PRIMO and his beautiful idiot bastard son PASTAMAN destroyed the CHARLIE FROWN GANG, a pair of appalling monsters that came out of Pastaman’s television. This is fine! They were immediately whaled upon by the DUMPSTER BABES, who previously in the evening had destroyed a pair of space aliens with a well-timed DUMPSTER DRIVER and also a STINKEYE! Turns out our Earthly garbage can overwhelm even the vacuum of space! This is fine!!!! ~ Actual celebrity CHET BLITZ--or should I say CHAD BLITZ?--taught us all about BODY HORROR as he brutalized his old Handbirds tag team partner, DAVE BLAZE, in a HELLSPORT-sponsored charity match. Turns out Chet Blitz drank so much Hellsport that his SECRET ABSORBED TWIN took control of his body, pushing Chet’s face to his abdomen! Now he wants to replace all of Lake Travis with delicious HELLSPORT, which is a technically legal beverage whose financial support makes PWR possible. This is fine!!!! ~ Other actual celebrity CHUBBY UNCLE JUAN tried to make a commercial for Volume 1 of the compilation of his legendary Spanish-language children’s television show Chubby Uncle Juan’s Casita, but was crudely interrupted by DADBOD, who we really hoped would stop messaging us online and stay home!!! The oafish Dadbod was roped into a match with the regionally acclaimed entertainer’s puppet friend, PUGGIN’ HEAD--whereupon he was efficiently brutalized. I bet that’s the last we’ll ever see of DADBOD! ~ The most dangerous and second most dangerous games have collided! DAZZA LONGBARREL thought he had finally captured DOG X, only to learn that the hunter… had become the hunted! Of another larger, more powerful hunter--NIGEL PENDLETON! Now Nigel’s imprisoned Longbarrel’s tiger friend, BOOMA--what’s next for these three? Something rotten, I reckon! ~ TIMMY QUIVERS accidentally left a seven-year-old child in the ring so he could go drink beer, and she was attacked by adults! A terrifying old man hit them with a shovel, and she escaped! She’s fine!!!! This is fine. WOW!!! Have you ever felt like this? Do you want to feel this way again? Then join us THIS MARCH at WRESTLESLAM II! Category:Show